The Train Ride From Hell

I’ve been debating what is the most powerful way to convey how awful my train ride from Hefei to Beijing was. It’s surprisingly difficult to convey just how hellish some experiences are, and this one was by far and away the worst travel experience I’ve ever had.

Two of my friends and I were taking the train from Hefei to Beijing at the end of our Huangshan trip. (The other two in our group flew back to Beijing.) It was an 18 hour train ride, and we had hard seats. We knew it was going to suck, but we were determined to make the best of it. However, what we did not prepare for was the fact that seated in our section of the train (and by section, I mean right next to us) was a mother and her baby. This baby was wearing these pants that had a gigantic slit exposing the backside which are all the rage for babies here in China, and the mother had no grasp whatsoever of basic social and hygienic norms.

I am sure you can all guess where this is going.

The combination of lack of sleep, uncomfortable seats, absolutely no personal space, the ignorant mother, a very hungry (and consequentially, the owner of a very active bladder) baby, and long hours meant that the train ride was one straight from hell. Going from paradise at the peak of Huangshan to the bowels of hell on the train is a very long way to fall…

Here’s a blow-by-blow account of what happened, along with some accompanying photos:

7:30p.m.: We board the train. It is so crowded that we practically have to wrestle other passengers to get to our seats, and when we get to our seats, we have to argue with standing ticket passengers that the seats they are sitting on are, in fact, ours. As we get settled into our seats and stow our backpacks in the overhead compartment, I fear the three of us will go stir-crazy from these cramped quarters.

8:00p.m.: A mother and her baby board the train and sits right next to us. My friends and I are very skeptical about spending 18 hours seated next to a baby, but there’s not much we can do about it.

8:10p.m.: Train departs Hefei. The journey back to Beijing officially begins.

9:02p.m.: The baby starts fussing. The mother pulls up her shirt and starts breastfeeding. Not exactly the most pleasant thing to have right up in your face, but a mother’s gotta do what a mother’s gotta do.

9:43p.m.: The baby fusses again. I am afraid to think of what will happen when the baby has to go to the bathroom. Something about that gigantic slit tells me that bathrooms or diapers aren’t involved when babies have business to do.

10:11p.m.: The baby fusses yet again. The mother spreads her legs out and holds the baby up in the air. The baby proceeds to piss all over the train floor.

10:12.m.: After taking a minute to stare at the mother and baby in dumbfounded shock, all hell breaks loose. I’m freaking out, saying in frantic Chinese, “为什么你不用厕所？厕所不元！厕所在这!” (“Why don’t you use the bathroom? The bathroom isn’t far! The bathroom is there!”) My two friends are a little more calmer than I am, and they are asking our fellow passengers if this is a normal occurrence on Chinese trains.

10:15p.m.: As it turns out, babies pissing directly on the train floor is not a normal occurrence on a Chinese train. Other passengers help us ask the mother why she won’t use the bathroom. Her only response is, “不可以.” (“Can’t.”)

11:28p.m.: The fact that we are officially stuck on a train with this ignorant woman and piss all over the floor starts to sink in.

12:17a.m.: The mother breastfeeds again. Great, this means more piss will come. What goes in must come out…

12:52a.m.: I try to sleep and fail miserably.

1:31a.m.: The baby pees again. A passenger is kind enough to lend the mom a sheet of newspaper in an attempt to mop up the piss that is soaking the floor. I’m glad for the newspaper, but the mother now is definitely not going to start using the bathroom if newspaper is offered to her.

2:09a.m.: The mother starts feeding the baby in an attempt to stop her from fussing. However, the mother is so tired that she falls asleep mid-breastfeeding session. When the baby is done feeding, her head falls back, exposing the boob to the world. As the mother is sleeping, she doesn’t notice.

2:37a.m.: It’s really awkward that this woman’s shirt is still pulled up over her boobs.

3:11a.m.: Oh thank God, she woke up and pulled her shirt back down.

4:01a.m.: Just as I put my head on my friend’s shoulder and start falling asleep, my friend jerks awake, which obviously wakes me up. Turns out that the baby peed yet again… this time, all over my friend’s shoes. I am now too terrified to fall asleep, lest I wake up soaked in the baby’s pee.

4:57a.m.: Oh hey, right boob.

5:16a.m.: Goodbye, right boob.

5:49a.m.: A man who is standing in the aisle of the train lights up a cigarette, even though smoking is not allowed in the cars of the train. The mother starts complaining about the cigarette smoke. My friends and I all stare at her incredulously. She’s the one with the baby pissing on the floor of the train, what right does she have to complain about anyone else’s behavior?

6:05a.m.: Great, more piss on the floor.

7:21a.m.: Now it’s the left boob exposed.

8:01a.m.: The mother jerks awake because the baby is fussing. Her jacket drops to the floor, landing in the puddle of piss. She looks at my friend expectantly, as if she expects him to pick up the jacket. (He doesn’t.) She proceeds to pick up the jacket and shake off all the piss onto my friend’s jeans.

8:04a.m.: I start giving this woman the death stare to end all death stares. Honestly, at this point, this has all gone way past anything I can tolerate.

8:51a.m.: How often are you supposed to feed a baby in the span of 18 hours?

9:26a.m.: And how often do babies pee in the spam of 18 hours?

10:10a.m.: This woman has the gall to ask my friend (who is very tall) to get her bag for her in the overhead compartment. This is the same friend she shook her dirty jacket at, remember.

10:23a.m.: The mother feeds her baby part of a moon cake. I don’t think moon cakes are good things to feed babies. One of my friends predicts that the baby will vomit the moon cake, as they definitely aren’t suitable baby food.

10:34a.m.: Yep, the baby now has an upset stomach because of the mooncake. What goes down must come up?

11:13a.m.: Now the mother is feeding her baby a sausage. Um, okay…

11:47a.m.: More breastfeeding.

12:11p.m.: The train arrives at the mother and baby’s stop. She asks my tall friend to get her bag for her without a word of please or thank you. I am in disbelief.

12:13p.m.: The mother and baby get off train. I never thought this hour would come.

1:40p.m.: My friends and I arrive in Beijing, with little sanity left. We all agree that travel experiences don’t get much worse than this.

Also posted to The Incubator.